Sunshine Schafer

Into the New Year

2009-12-20T22:40:53Z

It's hard to believe this is my last new years eve in high school.

So much has happened the last four years, I really can't even begin to even remember it all, let alone write everything down. Just the change our family has undergone is so incredible that it is hard to believe. Last New Years was the lowest of the low, one of the worst days of my entire life as I waited to find out if my stepsister would be alright, if she would make it through her issues. If she could survive the pressure her dad put on her.

How much has changed in a year.

Mary Anne and her father are both in a better place now, our family is in a better place as we are able to really talk to each other, to see each other without blowing up or breaking down. We can accept each other.

And all of them can accept me, accept that my realization has made me happier, more confident, even if I still need to fully come out to some of my friends. But that will happen when it does, when the moment seems right to tell all of them. I know it will come. Until then, I will continue to let my confidence build, will continue to be happier and accepting of everything about me and my family.

I will be myself. Now that I know who she is. And going into the new year with that knowledge is the best way to begin it.

Turducken

2009-12-01T02:36:49Z

Turducken is the most disgusting Thanksgiving food I have ever seen. How do people justify eating that much meat? I want to vomit just looking at the picture, let alone being the same room, smelling it cooking...

Disgusting.

That will forever be on my list of things I will never, ever try. Ever.

Partner Project

2009-11-01T00:47:41Z

I am so relieved to have a different partner this year for the partner project; I know Mary Anne is really good friends with Sabrina but I don't get her and it is obvious she doesn't think highly of me at all. I'm not even worth a glance from her, and why would I want to be partnered with someone like that?

It didn't used to bother me as much as it does now, maybe because I have been so unsure of myself that I wouldn't want to glance at me a second time either. But now...now I wonder why I have let myself become so easy to look over. Why I chided into the background, when I could have stood out and stand up for myself. I mean, I think I know why, because I really didn't know myself at all.

But now I do.

And I'm tired of people looking over me, of not enjoying myself or even being myself. I'm figuring me out and it's time to take a step forward.

Reasons

2009-10-01T05:44:18Z

I rarely run into other SHS students when I'm out anymore, which seems kind of weird, so I didn't expect to run into Kathleen last night at CVS while I was out grabbing a new hairbrush.

That I actually didn't get to buy, and bought shampoo instead to keep Kathleen from completely pissing off one of her customers. I wonder if I would have turned out like that, being that rabid about the environment, if the BSC would not have been there to put me in my place during the whole recycling debacle. Would I have turned that outspoken? Would I have been that loud?

It makes me realize I envy Kathleen, in a way. Sure, she has a bit of a reputation and some people look down on her for it. But she is Proud to be who she is, even with the sharp edges.

Maybe that is something I need to do. Be completely proud of who I am, no matter what other people think. Maybe be more outspoken about my views, the things I really do believe in, instead of sitting in the background all the time.

Maybe I was meant to run into Kathleen for a reason tonight. To make me realize that. And maybe, maybe, this can make for a fun senior year.

Lame?

2009-08-01T02:39:06Z

Is it lame that my crush on Rachel is giving me extra incentive to support theater in Stoneybrook? Even though I've always been a little into the theater crowd, I probably would not have donated to a fund before now.

Before my crush on a really cute girl.

But maybe I would have done the same if it was a really cute boy, use something we have in common as an excuse to hang around them more. That isn't actually lame, unless I start changing for a person. Like I used to do. I just don't feel a need to anymore, like myself is actually good enough.

Even if I can't really be with Rachel, I don't feel the need to change just to hang around her. Pretty sure that's a sign that I'm finally on the right track.

Strong

2009-07-23T03:55:36Z

I told mom.

I told her that I was gay.

And she was okay with it. It didn't change our relationship, it didn't change how she thought of me. Everything was exactly like it used to be. Except now - now I feel stronger than I did before. I know that I made the right decision in telling mom now, because telling her will make it that much easier to tell all of my other friends.

But it still feels good to have it out the way, to not have to worry if she will reject me, if she will refuse to acknowledge what I was telling her. Even if part of me knew mom would never do that, I couldn't help but being scared.

But I'm not scared anymore. I'm starting to feel ready to tell all of my friends. I'm on the right path, now.

Still With the Uncertainties.

2009-06-30T05:31:42Z

I really want to audition for the play Justin announced on the boards. Really, REALLY, want to audition. But after the spring musical there is no way I will ever get a good part in any play/musical/theatre production in this town ever again.

I screwed up big time with that.

But I just couldn't stay in the play, not when I ended up hanging out with Rachel so often. It was too hard to be around her and not let her know that I was crushing on her. I know I would have slipped and that would have been terrible. I'm just not ready for everyone to know.

I thought I was getting close but I don't know now. I think I need to wait on it, just a little bit longer. Just until I'm totally comfortable. Or at least, more than I am now.

Unsure

2009-05-06T15:43:12Z

I'm going to quit the play today.

I know it is only a week or so away, and there won't be much time left to replace me, but I just...I can't be around Rachel right now. I don't know how to act around her anymore, and I don't want to act strange, because she'll ask me if I'm okay, if something is wrong.

What am I going to say? Oh, sorry, I have a crush on you and don't know how to deal?

How has it taken me so long to even realize this, that...that...I think I like other girls. It feels so strange just to write that, because it does not seem possible it could be true, that I would have noticed before now that I was more interested in them than guys.

How did I not see it? Ever since I realized I liked her, I've been sitting down, trying to figure out if it was real, if it really was a crush. And the more I think about it, the more I look over the last couple of...gosh, years even, I never really had interest in a guy. I was flattered when I received attention but there was never a connection. Just like I was telling Alex.

Now I know why, I guess.

I want to talk to someone about it, but how can I even start that conversation? How am I even sure it would be okay, that my friends wouldn't turn against me or hate me because of it? Even though I think most of them would be fine, what if they aren't? Oh God, what would Richard say? And mom? I think mom would be okay but...I don't know. I don't know much of anything right now, how I can tell my friends what I've realized, how other people will react when they find out.

I do know this much: I am much more interested in girls than guys. Even though I'm not sure what to really think about that yet.

Oh My

2009-04-23T02:06:14Z

I don't even know how to put this down into words. I don't even understand it enough to really write it out. But I think this is the only way I can really even try to understand?

That doesn't make sense.

None of it makes sense.

I don't even know what to think, how to put months of pondering my issues with guys, pondering my lack of connection with guys into one easy answer. No, not easy. Not at all easy. But it is an answer.

I can't connect with guys because I like Rachel. And not friends-like.

I have a crush on Rachel Griffin.

How could I not have noticed this before? How could I have been so blind to that, not even putting together how I noticed small things like her eyes, her hair, even the scent she wore. God, am I stupid? Blind? How could I miss something like this, miss that I was crushing on my own friend?

I don't know what to do. What do you do when you realize something as big as this? Let it blow over? Try to date some more to pretend it doesn't exist? Talk to someone? And even if it is the talking option, who can I talk to? And how can I bring that up? 'So, I have a crush on Rachel.' I can't do that.

Maybe it's only Rachel? Maybe I've just gotten so focused on her that I have not paid attention to anyone else because of that? I mean, I've barely paid attention on my dates with Jim and Arthur, so maybe I've just focused so much on her that...

No, no, that's not true.

I noticed Liv. At the restaurant. I noticed her when I was on dates with guys, when I should have been focusing on them. I actively wished she was there when she was not working on my date nights.

Oh.

Oh my God.

Rachel isn't the only girl I've crushed on.

So now what do I do?

No More Setups!

2009-03-15T04:11:06Z

I think I can say this officially?

I put my foot down on setup dates.

Not that is wasn't nice for Mary Anne to try, but I think that I need to take my own time to find the right person for me. Jim was a nice guy, but we had absolutely nothing in common and there was not a shred of chemistry between us. I'm sure he'll find some other girl that will fall head over heels for him, but that girl is not me. I don't know, there was just something that made me feel slightly awkward all night around him, though I can't put my finger on why.

Maybe I'm just doomed to go on crappy dates since, with the exception of Alex, pretty much all of them have been busts. And even with Alex, we didn't have any of the cuddling and lovey-dovey that Mary Anne has with Logan, or what any of my other friends have with their significant others. We pretty much just made out all the time, even though that was a lot of fun. ~~So why don't I miss it more?~~ It is slightly depressing that I can't seem to find anyone to be kind of lovey-dovey around, but I just keep to my hopes that I'm just picky and that I'll find someone who fits.

Part of me wondered for a little while if Soren would be that guy, since we do have so much in common, with our love of the environment. But even before he and Kristy started dating, it was platonic all around. We joke around a little, but it's the same as I joke around with my other friends. Comfortable, fun, but definitely not dating material.

But I'm glad Kristy found someone who can teach her the finer things about appreciate the environment, since I've had so little success.

At least the date was worth it, because that smoothie I had was just incredible. Hmm...I wonder if that is enough of a reason to go back over to New Hope, to see if Liv can make other flavors as well as she can guava. Definitely something to keep in mind.

Getting Involved

2009-02-23T04:44:37Z

I don't know about anyone else, but I had SUCH a great time with the One-Acts and am glad I decided to take part in them this year. I'd forgotten how much I enjoy being an integral part to a play, especially now that I'm not rewriting parts of the script to fit my viewpoints ~~which is still embarrassing to think about, why didn't anyone tell me how stupid I would feel when I got older??~~.

Even if fitting in the play with all my other clubs and stuff I've decided to join ~~which aren't really making me feel happier, so why am I overwhelming myself?~~, I was able to devote the right amount of time to learning my lines, getting the part of DC down right. Working with Rachel was so helpful, too, since I worked more with her then a lot of the other actors, since I technically only existed in her head. She is really an amazing actor and really comes to life when she's on stage, her whole face just lighting up with her ability. She just makes everyone forget about Rachel-the-person and she becomes the character. Even her attractive looks didn't hurt the show, since Jane was supposed to be a little "freaky" to other people, and usually that means the appearance is less than ideal. She just personalified the character so well, her looks did not even matter.

Working with actors like her is one of the reason I like being on stage, especially when the rest of the cast is as talented as well. Alan, Grace, Franklin, Hannah, Howie, and even Erica for as much as I dislike her were so much fun to work with and maybe, MAYBE, this will convince me to audition for the Spring Musical as well. Maybe I can even get a role with even a few lines of dialogue or a tiny bit of a solo. That could be a lot of fun. Especially if I get to work with any of them again, since they were all really nice to me during rehearsals, regardless of what they really thought.

Speaking of joining, the meeting of the LGBTQ organization was really an eye-opener for me. I never realized there were so many people in Stoneybrook that were supportive of all different types of relationships and sexuality. It makes me feel slightly better about living here, knowing that there are a lot of open and accepting individuals, one thing I've really missed about California. Sometimes, Stoneybrook just seems so closed-minded so it is nice to be shown they can be open. I think this town needs it, to help bring people closer together.

What's Best

2009-01-17T23:18:33Z

Mary Anne is officially staying at Bee's, Logan and I just finished moving the last of her stuff over there.

It'll feel strange, being in the house without her, knowing she is living with someone else for a time. I've almost gotten used to her going away to get help, but this is different. I'll see her every day at school, but have to visit her at someone else's house. We won't be living in the same place anymore, like we have ever since I moved back here, to Stoneybrook.

It feels strange, but at the same time, I'm slightly relieved all the same.

She needs this, just like all of us need this. We need her to go to a place where she does not begin to wilt away, just like she always does after coming back from her treatment. She needs to go to a place where Richard is not bearing down on her every move, keeping her in her state of needed perfection. This house needs that change.

I hope it's enough, I really do. I know mom is excited by this, thinks it's for the better. I think Richard even does, though even I can tell how upset he is over this. I think it's the best option, for Mary Anne to be with a family that does not stand over her every moment of her life.

But it still feels strange, though I'll never tell her that. And someone, it makes me feel even more lost than I already am.

Passion

2008-12-30T22:22:57Z

I just looked over my last journal entry and realized that all of those words about change and being stuck and finding some place to be? Have been just that. Words. I haven't taken that step to making a change and have instead, just sat around.

Just like I always have.

Always.

After the talk with mom on Christmas, I really had the chance to think about what she was saying. And not just about joining things and becoming more involved at school, which is something I need to do. But about her talking me being passionate about things. About how I used to love ghost stories and the environment. How I was so passionate how about. Which is true, I guess.

But I was only passionate about them because someone else got me that passionate in the first place.

Like with the environment. Mom and dad have always been into saving the Earth and recycling, and I was raised that way. To respect the world around me and not abuse it. But it was not until I met Sunny that I really got into it. Her passion inspired me and perhaps ignited something in me because her enthusiasm was catching. I was passionate because she was passionate. And when I moved here, away from my source of enthusiasm, I had to overcompensate. I was overbearing about everyone saving the earth and recycling because I had to be. I had to be overbearing so that enthusiasm didn't wane, since Sunny was the base that kept it there.

And then with the babysitting, which was something I always did growing up, since I had to watch Jeff all the time. Then I watched all the kids back in California, before I moved here, because Sunny did it and it gave me a little spending money. I did not love it. It was good. But then moving to Stoneybrook and meeting a great group of girls who had a babysitting club, who were so accepting even though I was new, gave me the passion I needed to join their club, to allow babysitting to almost take over my life like it did theirs. I was part of something. I wasn't alone, wasn't the weird new girl. I was a member of their exclusive club and was able to make friends right away.

Even the ghost stories? Jeff loved them as a kid. He loved when I read them to him, reading in scary voices and adding silly ghoul sounds that would scare him and then make him laugh. He made me like them as much as I did growing up. It was not something I did on my own.

How did it take me so long to realize that I have found nothing on my own to be passionate about? That I have allowed myself for so long get interested in something because someone else did? How have I not found my own interests, my own things to be passionate about. Maybe that is why I've been so lost lately, how I've felt like I don't belong anywhere. Because I need to find my own passions and interests. I need to found out what I love.

I need to figure out myself.

I know it's early, but an early New Years Resolution? Really get involved in things at school. Join clubs and actually spend time taking part in the activities. Get to know people and make friends, more than the incredibly few I have now. Find out what I really love. Or else I'll always have this sense of being lost. Of not belonging.

And I really don't like it.

Change

2008-11-30T23:43:19Z

I need to get myself a life.

And I'm not even joking.

When I was back in California for Thanksgiving, which went so well I don't even want to think about it, it really gave me the chance to think. After all the time I've spent away from everyone since last year, it feels different. Everyone is changing so much and I'm not there to experience it. Gracie is so big now, Jeff is so outgoing and popular with friends calling all the time, Sunny is so much happier and getting along with her dad, Maggie is laughing more than I remember...all of them seem so different now.

But not me.

I'm exactly the same.

I haven't changed at all since coming out here, I haven't gone out and done any fun activities, I haven't really joined any clubs. I'm just...stuck. In a rut. I hate it.

I'm tired of just being Mary Anne's stepsister. I know that is what people think of me as, I'm not dumb. Everyone knows who Mary Anne is, nobody knows her stepsister who randomly jumps from coast to coast. No one cares about me, because I haven't gotten close enough to anyone to really create relationships.

What does that boil down to? I suck.

I need a change, I need to get involved, I need to get to know people. I need to get out of this static view of myself I have and actually change.

Or else I'll just keep watching everyone else around me change and grow up and enjoy life. While I just sit there, watching the world move by.

No More Islands

2008-10-02T03:36:04Z

I think the lesson learned with this whole boat trip is: I suck when it comes to disasters.

Once again, I pretty much became the quiet one, the one that could barely do anything like Howie did, coming up with great ideas to start the fire, or how Claudia reinvented her water saving idea. All I managed to do was almost walk in on Mary Anne and Logan having sex and make out with Howie of all people.

I definitely need to stay away from the boating disasters for awhile. A really, REALLY long while.

Boys

2008-08-29T15:47:26Z

Now that I have had time to really think about everything that has happened in the last few weeks, I can only come up with one conclusion.

I really need to be aware of the types of boys I fall for.

Talking to Mary Anne helped, though a part of me still feels so frustrated that I cannot, for the life of me, be attracted to good guys, Alex aside.

After what happened with Lewis and Travis, I really had to take some time to think about why I was so susceptible to their charms. It seems like, from eighth grade until now, I had not learned any lessons from the experience with Travis, and it came to bite me when Lewis used his charms on me.

I think I just need some time off from dating for awhile. Until I can figure out what I need in a relationship and how to protect myself from being hurt again.

I hope.

Empty

2008-07-31T05:10:35Z

I slept with Lewis.

That feels so strange to write down, especially since I am still unsure of how I feel.

It seems crazy to now know how I feel about it, since I had always believed I'd be excited about losing my virginity, of giving it to someone else, of making my own decision towards a big event.

Now I just feel a little empty.

And used.

I don't think I like this feeling. I think I really need time to think about what has changed. If I've changed.

Talking About Boys

2008-07-24T21:20:04Z

It feels so odd to have Lewis in town, paying attention to me.

The last time we really talked was all the way back in eighth grade, which seems like it was lifetimes ago, really. So much has changed since then.

Except that he seems to still like me. It's kind of nice, that a guy remembers me from a few years ago and is interested in me. It's been so rare that a guy really likes me, that it feels kind of good. It's a nice feeling.

It also helps the breakup with Alex seem a little easier. Even though we weren't a really serious couple, I enjoyed having someone to talk to and just hang out with, who did pay attention to me, in a way no one has before. I do miss that, just like I miss him. We've talked a few times, but he just seems so stressed. I hope everything works out for his family. He deserves it, for being such a great guy.

But for now, I think I'll enjoy Lewis' attention. It is really nice, after all.

Alex

2008-07-19T03:55:23Z

So Alex and I broke up.

Well, we were only semi-dating to begin with, even though I guess it was serious enough that everyone considered us a couple. But we did have a lot of fun together, even it it sometimes was little things like joking about his car. But our dates were always a lot of fun and oh my gosh, did I really like making out with him. I am going to miss all of that.

But I get why, I really do. I know he has family stuff to deal with, and the last thing I want to do is take him away from his family, since he was really good about giving me time when everything with Mary Anne went down. I can do the same for him. I could tell he sometimes felt guilty about it, so it makes me feel okay with the break-up.

Who knows? Maybe we'll end up together when we both have the time to devote to a relationship. But right now, we're just friends. And I'm okay with that.

Better

2008-06-27T03:05:10Z

Maybe everything is finally getting better.

Mary Anne is home and seems...happy. Very happy, actually, and very excited to be back. I am so relieved that she's doing better. I was worried that Utah wouldn't help, that it would be like all the other place she's been too. But she really seems to have changed for the better. Which is great.

Even if that means I do have to deal with Logan on a regular basis. But we have an understanding now, though I don't think we'll ever really be friends. But we can tolerate each other now. It's a step.

And I'm dating someone. That is so weird. But I like it. And I really like Alex. A lot.

To Get Help

2008-05-25T16:51:49Z

How can I even begin to describe the last few days? They've been so crazy, so intense, that I don't even think I've started digesting anything yet.

I can't even remember what popped into my head when Mary Anne burst into my room, though I knew right away something was wrong. She hadn't talked to me in weeks - weeks! - and suddenly she's in my room, in my bed in the middle of the night. And even though I still don't really like Logan, I knew I had to call him. He can help her more than I can, even though I hate to admit that.

But I still can't believe she tried to kill herself. There. I said it. I haven't been able to really say those words yet and even putting them down on paper is so hard. I don't want to believe that she was so depressed, so lost, that she tried to end her life. It was so planned out, and none of us noticed. Everything down to the last detail, which is SO Mary Anne, and it really breaks my heart that she didn't feel she could open herself up to anyone. Stepping into her room that night was the hardest things I've done. There was no way we were going to let her step into her room, not with the note there, with her clothes folded perfectly. Richard couldn't go in, mom couldn't, Logan had to stay with Mary Anne...so that left me. I had to face the room that she made those decisions. The room she left so perfectly for us so we wouldn't have to deal with cleaning up after her. God, I hate to even think that.

I hope she can get some real help now, at this new place. I hope she doesn't think we're sending her away, because we're not. Well, we are. But only because it is one of the best places for people to deal with depression and anorexia. She needs the best. And we'll give her as much as she needs and more.

Gone Home

2008-04-16T06:17:37Z

She went home.

After being here a few months and causing ruckus and drama, Sunny went home, practically begging her dad to buy a plane ticket ASAP to get her back there.

Even if it's not in the way that I wanted, I'm glad she's going home. She needs to go back. We need her to go back. I love Sunny and I want the best for her, but she's worn all of us down to a point where we're like a sandcastle when the tide comes in. Nothing left but smooth lumps where the towers once stood.

But maybe things will go back to normal now. We can go back to being like we were.

Getting Along

2008-04-01T02:23:05Z

Sunny was asleep when I got back yesterday, and she was moody this morning. I think she was mad that I didn't call or IM much when I was in Hawaii.

But I needed time away from her, as much as she's loosened up the last few weeks. I needed time for myself and time to really be able to talk to Mary Anne. I'd forgotten how comfortable we can be around each other, when Sunny isn't there with her hostile attitude.

I hope Mary Anne and I can stay that way and that Sunny will come around. Because it was nice getting along with Mary Anne again in Hawaii. I don't want to lose that. Again.

Sunny

2008-02-29T03:46:12Z

Everything has been so hectic the last few weeks, Sunny disappearing, Sunny reappearing here, Sunny refusing to go home, Sunny staying here and wanting to spend every minute with me, that I haven't had time to sit down and write down my own thoughts on all of this.

I'm still confused.

How sad is that? It's been almost a month since she's been here and I'm still not sure what to think.

One minute, we're hanging out like we used to with Sunny being cheery and laughing and everything. The next, she's complaining about her dad and her friends and school and hates her life and swears she'll never like anything again.

I don't know how to take it. I love being able to see her all the time, but I'm hesitant around her once in awhile. Its hard to balance seeing both her and Mary Anne, since Sunny doesn't seem to want anyone around but me. She's even pushed Sharon away, and I know any other time she would love to have a mom-figure to talk to.

The only thing I guess I can do is just be there for her. And hope that everything works outs.

No Word

2008-02-12T01:14:35Z

Still no word.

Its the fifth day she's been missing.

Please let her be okay.